It's hard to put into words how much I admire you Diane. For your vulnerability talking about this, for how everything you write resonates so deeply (which I also know too well – selfishly I find solace in knowing I am not alone in having experienced these thoughts) and for your beautiful writing, which I have always adored, for as long as I have known you.
What a kind and beautiful comment Becca, thank you! That really means a lot and it lifted my heart to read it. It makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing to share what I’m going through, and I’m both heartened and saddened to know I’m not alone ❤️❤️
I love Maria Bamford and her advice. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I know from my own journey what facing each day is like. I was thinking recently of writing a story about the subject of suicide, not that I haven’t before. “What will this chapter be?” Is a short take on part of my struggle. If you need any help on those Friday nights, please send me a message.
I have been in a similar place in my life, and I hesitate to reply because so many well-meaning people always had such a knack of saying the wrong thing to me, yet it also felt rough when folks didn’t say anything, so it added to my general feeling that nothing could be right. So, with good intentions, I will say that every word you wrote is something I understand. For me- 11 and 13 years since I lost my husband and dad- the world has changed. I still get knocked down or wobbled a bit by a grief wave sometimes, but I’m no longer surfing. Now that I’m “future me” for that version of myself, I can feel deep compassion for that pain and loss. I’m glad I didn’t give up. Future you will be so grateful for all the things you’re doing to heal and continue.
That was all just absolutely lovely and none of it was wrong in any way. ❤️ I really appreciated it, although I’ve definitely had my “why would someone *say* that?” moments too, and I try to remember it’s usually kindly meant. I’m really sorry for your losses. I’m comforted by the idea that future me will be proud to look back on this time but also I so wish none of us had to go through any of this at all!
Diane, you are so not on your own. I'm sure this is very common, but you feel so alone in your grief you can't imagine anyone else feeling like this. It's 3 years and 3 months since my Mum died and I just realised, reading this post that probably in the last year, I have not expressed the desire to want to be out of this world and be with her. I have a husband, but we feel so alone in our grief that sometimes it matters not if you have people around you as you feel that no one can reach you. To know that someone truly understands how you feel helps, and you don't feel quite so alone hopefully. Sending love and reassurance that it won't always be like this. I didn't believe that either, but it's true. X
I actually thought at one point l was going mad, so raw and visceral was the grief. I felt so alone, I couldn't see how I could ever connect with anyone in this world again. Its early days still for you. I wouldn't insult you by saying time heals, it doesn't take the pain away, but you learn to walk alongside the grief and you're never the same person again, but changed.
In my even earlier days, like the first week or two, I kept contacting people I knew had lost someone, not even people I knew well, and saying, “Tell me it gets a bit easier please,” so I feel like it’s a message I can’t hear enough. As bad as I knew grief would be, the intensity of the pain stunned me. I couldn’t believe humans are just expected to live through this! I kept seeing people on TV or hearing them on podcasts who I knew had lost loved ones and thinking, how are they talking and laughing?? Accepting how horrible it is helps a bit, as does knowing it’s not just me. xx
That resonates so much with me Diane, but in my case I could not read enough about how other people had coped with grief, especially the loss of their Mum, to see if anyone else had felt like l was feeling. As you say, the intensity of the pain is so shocking, how DO people get through this?? You cannot imagine ever being able to live a normal life again without that savage hold that grief has around your heart. One day though, sometime in the future, you will talk and laugh without guilt and look at photographs without your heart breaking into pieces all over again and realise you have made the painful transition into that new and different world. One of the many books I found helpful was 'The red of my blood' by Clover Stroud. Honest and raw, which is what I needed, not flimsy platitudes. I wanted to know that others had gone through this and survived. You will get there too, l promise. ❤️
Thank you for speaking up about this. You are completely right, at least in my experience, because I have felt the same way before, like I wouldn't mind not existing. Ironically, now, I am clinging to life so hard that it hurts. Not feeling safe with your own feelings is horrible and traumatic, and I'm so sorry you have to experience it. You are not alone, but of course being physically isolated (and grieving during a pandemic) feels very different from having people online, so I understand that my presence will never be enough.
Your presence is lovely, and much appreciated! Thank you so much for your kind words. ❤️ But yes, it really takes a lot of support just to feel like, “OK fine, I won’t give up” when you’re grieving.
It's hard to put into words how much I admire you Diane. For your vulnerability talking about this, for how everything you write resonates so deeply (which I also know too well – selfishly I find solace in knowing I am not alone in having experienced these thoughts) and for your beautiful writing, which I have always adored, for as long as I have known you.
What a kind and beautiful comment Becca, thank you! That really means a lot and it lifted my heart to read it. It makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing to share what I’m going through, and I’m both heartened and saddened to know I’m not alone ❤️❤️
I love Maria Bamford and her advice. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I know from my own journey what facing each day is like. I was thinking recently of writing a story about the subject of suicide, not that I haven’t before. “What will this chapter be?” Is a short take on part of my struggle. If you need any help on those Friday nights, please send me a message.
That’s very kind, thank you. Maria is wonderful! 🙌
In the US suicide and crisis lifeline is 988.
Thank you!
I have been in a similar place in my life, and I hesitate to reply because so many well-meaning people always had such a knack of saying the wrong thing to me, yet it also felt rough when folks didn’t say anything, so it added to my general feeling that nothing could be right. So, with good intentions, I will say that every word you wrote is something I understand. For me- 11 and 13 years since I lost my husband and dad- the world has changed. I still get knocked down or wobbled a bit by a grief wave sometimes, but I’m no longer surfing. Now that I’m “future me” for that version of myself, I can feel deep compassion for that pain and loss. I’m glad I didn’t give up. Future you will be so grateful for all the things you’re doing to heal and continue.
That was all just absolutely lovely and none of it was wrong in any way. ❤️ I really appreciated it, although I’ve definitely had my “why would someone *say* that?” moments too, and I try to remember it’s usually kindly meant. I’m really sorry for your losses. I’m comforted by the idea that future me will be proud to look back on this time but also I so wish none of us had to go through any of this at all!
Diane, you are so not on your own. I'm sure this is very common, but you feel so alone in your grief you can't imagine anyone else feeling like this. It's 3 years and 3 months since my Mum died and I just realised, reading this post that probably in the last year, I have not expressed the desire to want to be out of this world and be with her. I have a husband, but we feel so alone in our grief that sometimes it matters not if you have people around you as you feel that no one can reach you. To know that someone truly understands how you feel helps, and you don't feel quite so alone hopefully. Sending love and reassurance that it won't always be like this. I didn't believe that either, but it's true. X
Thank you so much! I did really need to hear that and I’m glad the pain has softened for you ❤️
I actually thought at one point l was going mad, so raw and visceral was the grief. I felt so alone, I couldn't see how I could ever connect with anyone in this world again. Its early days still for you. I wouldn't insult you by saying time heals, it doesn't take the pain away, but you learn to walk alongside the grief and you're never the same person again, but changed.
In my even earlier days, like the first week or two, I kept contacting people I knew had lost someone, not even people I knew well, and saying, “Tell me it gets a bit easier please,” so I feel like it’s a message I can’t hear enough. As bad as I knew grief would be, the intensity of the pain stunned me. I couldn’t believe humans are just expected to live through this! I kept seeing people on TV or hearing them on podcasts who I knew had lost loved ones and thinking, how are they talking and laughing?? Accepting how horrible it is helps a bit, as does knowing it’s not just me. xx
That resonates so much with me Diane, but in my case I could not read enough about how other people had coped with grief, especially the loss of their Mum, to see if anyone else had felt like l was feeling. As you say, the intensity of the pain is so shocking, how DO people get through this?? You cannot imagine ever being able to live a normal life again without that savage hold that grief has around your heart. One day though, sometime in the future, you will talk and laugh without guilt and look at photographs without your heart breaking into pieces all over again and realise you have made the painful transition into that new and different world. One of the many books I found helpful was 'The red of my blood' by Clover Stroud. Honest and raw, which is what I needed, not flimsy platitudes. I wanted to know that others had gone through this and survived. You will get there too, l promise. ❤️
Thank you, I really appreciate that 💓
Thank you for speaking up about this. You are completely right, at least in my experience, because I have felt the same way before, like I wouldn't mind not existing. Ironically, now, I am clinging to life so hard that it hurts. Not feeling safe with your own feelings is horrible and traumatic, and I'm so sorry you have to experience it. You are not alone, but of course being physically isolated (and grieving during a pandemic) feels very different from having people online, so I understand that my presence will never be enough.
Your presence is lovely, and much appreciated! Thank you so much for your kind words. ❤️ But yes, it really takes a lot of support just to feel like, “OK fine, I won’t give up” when you’re grieving.
And ideally, you'd have that support. You deserve it.
Thank you 💓 I have quite a lot, in some ways, but it’s mostly geographically distant, as you know.
I know that that's usually not good enough in these situations.