Thank you Diane for calling out how lazy people are when their friends and relatives are grieving. I got more of a heartfelt when my cat died than when my mother was in the end stages of dementia.
My Dad died 9 months ago and I haven’t heard word one from any of my family or friends, and that includes my remaining sibling.
This will sound totally crazy but I tested out an AI therapist and they were much more effective than real live people.
What is going on in this world? I had a very small family which doesn’t help much, but there’s enough who could offer their support. Of course now I have to ask myself if I offered support when they were grieving and the answer is , not enough. Now I have the opportunity to examine my tactics, make some calls or write letters.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And also so sorry that none of your friends and family have stepped up or even been in touch, I keep being shocked anew by others’ behaviour. But that’s where grief support has been invaluable for me — I’m glad you’ve found your own ways of coping. And it’s lovely that you’re thinking of reaching out to others. 💓
Thank you for reminding me that what I think is overstepping or unwelcome reminders is actually needed and appreciated. I do often think that people don't like me enough to want my messages.
Those who have grieved before and still don't support you are probably trying to push their own trauma far away, just like we're seeing with the pandemic. In a way, I get it, because that stuff is HARD, but it would go down a lot better if people at least had the insight and/or honesty to admit that they're doing it.
Yes, I think you’re right, some people are really disconnected from their own pain and want to keep it that way, and I get that too, in fact I envy it at times even though I know ultimately it’s not honest or healthy.
And yes, people do like you enough! I think that’s why I haven’t reached out to people before too but it’s amazing how much it can mean.
At the end of the day, we're depriving ourselves of genuine human connections by not being supportive. Of course it's hard, but if we want to receive, we also need to give, and people seem to forget that.
That’s so true, and such a good point! It is actually, selfishly, gratifying to connect with and help people. It might feel risky, but the rewards are worth it on both sides.
People are not good around death or serious illness (I know I am not). I have said the if you need anything call me to many people, though I mean it. In all these years only one person has ever taken me up on that.
Grief is different for everyone, mine was no where near as bad as losing a parent but it still hit pretty hard and led me to reassess a few things. A close friend, his wife of 40 years died and he was on the apps pretty quick, at first I though it was callous but then realised it was not wanting to be alone.
Your mum was a great person, she would understand how you feel. I am glad the support groups help you and I am free Wed or Fridays if you wanted to talk about peak 90's Sheffield. Which for a fleeting time from 95 to 99 was pretty great or maybe that is the rose tinted glasses.
Thank you, especially for saying that about my mum. ♥️ I do appreciate the offer and know you mean it, but I fear if we spend Fridays talking about mid-late 90s Sheffield, I might disappear into a nostalgic time loop from which I never extricate myself. It was a really special time. 👓
Oh God, yes that resonates, when they say 'She wouldn't want you to be sad' Well, fucking tough! I am sad! My Mum, my best friend has died and I'm having to navigate how to get around this new world without her! How do you expect me to feel?? Rant over, it just took me back to 3 years ago when someone said that to me. A family friend who l really liked and respected, which really confused me, as she had lost her Mum a few years previously.
Exactly the same situation with the person who said it to me! Then I was looking at my Mum’s old Facebook account last week and saw that when her Dad, her last remaining parent, had died, a family member had posted “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.” Too bad!!
Why do people say that?? It has the effect of making you feel bad about yourself, guilty as if you're not grieving properly. Honestly, just engage brain before you speak!!
I think often they don’t want to experience their own sadness and are maybe spectacularly good at repressing emotions, but I’ve always been terrible at that!
Same here!! I think you hit the nail on the head there. Us emotional and sensitive folk just assume everyone is like us, and of course they are often not!
I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m also so sorry that it wasn’t acknowledged at all at work, that’s horrifying. Of all the terrible things people have said to me over the last few months, saying nothing is the worst response of all.
Thank you Diane for calling out how lazy people are when their friends and relatives are grieving. I got more of a heartfelt when my cat died than when my mother was in the end stages of dementia.
My Dad died 9 months ago and I haven’t heard word one from any of my family or friends, and that includes my remaining sibling.
This will sound totally crazy but I tested out an AI therapist and they were much more effective than real live people.
What is going on in this world? I had a very small family which doesn’t help much, but there’s enough who could offer their support. Of course now I have to ask myself if I offered support when they were grieving and the answer is , not enough. Now I have the opportunity to examine my tactics, make some calls or write letters.
Moral of the story: it’s never too late ⏰
I’m so sorry for your loss. And also so sorry that none of your friends and family have stepped up or even been in touch, I keep being shocked anew by others’ behaviour. But that’s where grief support has been invaluable for me — I’m glad you’ve found your own ways of coping. And it’s lovely that you’re thinking of reaching out to others. 💓
Thank you for reminding me that what I think is overstepping or unwelcome reminders is actually needed and appreciated. I do often think that people don't like me enough to want my messages.
Those who have grieved before and still don't support you are probably trying to push their own trauma far away, just like we're seeing with the pandemic. In a way, I get it, because that stuff is HARD, but it would go down a lot better if people at least had the insight and/or honesty to admit that they're doing it.
Yes, I think you’re right, some people are really disconnected from their own pain and want to keep it that way, and I get that too, in fact I envy it at times even though I know ultimately it’s not honest or healthy.
And yes, people do like you enough! I think that’s why I haven’t reached out to people before too but it’s amazing how much it can mean.
At the end of the day, we're depriving ourselves of genuine human connections by not being supportive. Of course it's hard, but if we want to receive, we also need to give, and people seem to forget that.
That’s so true, and such a good point! It is actually, selfishly, gratifying to connect with and help people. It might feel risky, but the rewards are worth it on both sides.
You're absolutely right! We can't gain anything if we don't try, although I get that trying feels too hard sometimes.
It’s hard being a person! 😭
So hard!
People are not good around death or serious illness (I know I am not). I have said the if you need anything call me to many people, though I mean it. In all these years only one person has ever taken me up on that.
Grief is different for everyone, mine was no where near as bad as losing a parent but it still hit pretty hard and led me to reassess a few things. A close friend, his wife of 40 years died and he was on the apps pretty quick, at first I though it was callous but then realised it was not wanting to be alone.
Your mum was a great person, she would understand how you feel. I am glad the support groups help you and I am free Wed or Fridays if you wanted to talk about peak 90's Sheffield. Which for a fleeting time from 95 to 99 was pretty great or maybe that is the rose tinted glasses.
Thank you, especially for saying that about my mum. ♥️ I do appreciate the offer and know you mean it, but I fear if we spend Fridays talking about mid-late 90s Sheffield, I might disappear into a nostalgic time loop from which I never extricate myself. It was a really special time. 👓
It was and sadly it passes all to fast. Take care and if you do need anything let me know.
Thank you, I will 🙏
Oh God, yes that resonates, when they say 'She wouldn't want you to be sad' Well, fucking tough! I am sad! My Mum, my best friend has died and I'm having to navigate how to get around this new world without her! How do you expect me to feel?? Rant over, it just took me back to 3 years ago when someone said that to me. A family friend who l really liked and respected, which really confused me, as she had lost her Mum a few years previously.
Exactly the same situation with the person who said it to me! Then I was looking at my Mum’s old Facebook account last week and saw that when her Dad, her last remaining parent, had died, a family member had posted “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.” Too bad!!
Why do people say that?? It has the effect of making you feel bad about yourself, guilty as if you're not grieving properly. Honestly, just engage brain before you speak!!
I think often they don’t want to experience their own sadness and are maybe spectacularly good at repressing emotions, but I’ve always been terrible at that!
Same here!! I think you hit the nail on the head there. Us emotional and sensitive folk just assume everyone is like us, and of course they are often not!
Yes, I think we assume how we feel and what we need must be obvious but it probably helps to remember that to many people, it isn’t!
I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m also so sorry that it wasn’t acknowledged at all at work, that’s horrifying. Of all the terrible things people have said to me over the last few months, saying nothing is the worst response of all.
Totally. Not knowing what to say is a tiny discomfort compared to the pain of loss ♥️