Thank you for sharing this, because it is really important. I just saw a video on Youtube last month or so about the commodification of what used to be community tasks. That said, I think it's valid and important to rely on professionals for certain tasks, since many of our friends etc. aren't necessarily trained in emotional support.
When I was in my twenties, I went abroad to get a degree, and suddenly felt myself feeling really alone. I had always enjoyed spending time on my own, went to concerts and movies by myself etc., so I was really puzzled. Many years later and after a lot of therapy and reading and what not, I figured out that I wasn't necessarily lonely, since like you, I had friends and my family was far away, but there (just not very supportive). I was probably grieving something, too. And I now think that I was mostly scared, because what if I was alone and something happened that I couldn't deal with? What if my emotions became so much that I might implode, but no one was there to talk me off the ledge? Because big emotions are scary, and grief is scary, and trauma is scary.
And the worst thing was that so many people told me that I needed to become more independent, to cope with my emotions alone etc., and I was so confused, because I had always been indedendent, and now I suddenly couldn't do it anymore. And I think that what those people meant to say was "you are making me uncomfortable because I find big emotions scary, too, and I don't want to be responsible for other people." Giving advice is easy and cheap, and it makes us feel like we've fulfilled our communal duty, when instead we have made the other person feel worse. I wish that back then, someone had told me that it was okay to feel alone and scared, and that sometimes, we need other people. But that would mean acknowledging that society has fallen apart, and once again, just like with covid, people are too scared to admit it. At least that's what I think.
I don't know how to comfort you either, if I'm honest. It SUCKS that you don't have anyone near you. I don't think it's your fault, because you are right: we lost friends when we become chronically ill. It's not your fault. And it's scary to depend on others when that support feels like a finite resource, something you shouldn't need because it may run out. I said as much to my therapist the other day, and she reminded me that the skills won't be lost in those times when we don't do everything on our own. And you clearly have those skills, since you have managed so far. But in extreme situations, we need help, just like you might need crutches after an accident. It's a lot harder to get human crutches, but you won't forget how to walk if you use them.
Anyway, big hugs! And thanks again for writing this. <3
Thank you, really well said (as ever), and I appreciate the empathy and understanding. I would say that I am lonely (very) as well as alone but also that there aren't any simple solutions to that. I so relate though to the pervasive idea that the solution to struggling alone is to be more independent, when what we actually need is to be more interdependent, but we're neither set up by society to be that way, nor encouraged to do so.
That's the problem, isn't it? We can see what needs to change, but we cannot change it alone. Interconnectedness requires other people, so we're sad and scared about needing something we are not guaranteed to find.
It's like telling a hungry person to fast more instead of eating when they need to, because there isn't enough food.
I am terribly sorry to hear about your mum, if there is anything I can do at all, please let me know.
Thanks Adam. They’re not writing code to bring people back yet, right? x
I deeply wish I could say yes. x
What a beautiful piece of writing. So very sorry for your loss, Diane, sending love
Thanks so much Keren, much appreciated x
Am I just going to comment “love you” on every post? Seems that way. (I do tho.)
Hey, I will take it! Love you too xx
Thank you for sharing this, because it is really important. I just saw a video on Youtube last month or so about the commodification of what used to be community tasks. That said, I think it's valid and important to rely on professionals for certain tasks, since many of our friends etc. aren't necessarily trained in emotional support.
When I was in my twenties, I went abroad to get a degree, and suddenly felt myself feeling really alone. I had always enjoyed spending time on my own, went to concerts and movies by myself etc., so I was really puzzled. Many years later and after a lot of therapy and reading and what not, I figured out that I wasn't necessarily lonely, since like you, I had friends and my family was far away, but there (just not very supportive). I was probably grieving something, too. And I now think that I was mostly scared, because what if I was alone and something happened that I couldn't deal with? What if my emotions became so much that I might implode, but no one was there to talk me off the ledge? Because big emotions are scary, and grief is scary, and trauma is scary.
And the worst thing was that so many people told me that I needed to become more independent, to cope with my emotions alone etc., and I was so confused, because I had always been indedendent, and now I suddenly couldn't do it anymore. And I think that what those people meant to say was "you are making me uncomfortable because I find big emotions scary, too, and I don't want to be responsible for other people." Giving advice is easy and cheap, and it makes us feel like we've fulfilled our communal duty, when instead we have made the other person feel worse. I wish that back then, someone had told me that it was okay to feel alone and scared, and that sometimes, we need other people. But that would mean acknowledging that society has fallen apart, and once again, just like with covid, people are too scared to admit it. At least that's what I think.
I don't know how to comfort you either, if I'm honest. It SUCKS that you don't have anyone near you. I don't think it's your fault, because you are right: we lost friends when we become chronically ill. It's not your fault. And it's scary to depend on others when that support feels like a finite resource, something you shouldn't need because it may run out. I said as much to my therapist the other day, and she reminded me that the skills won't be lost in those times when we don't do everything on our own. And you clearly have those skills, since you have managed so far. But in extreme situations, we need help, just like you might need crutches after an accident. It's a lot harder to get human crutches, but you won't forget how to walk if you use them.
Anyway, big hugs! And thanks again for writing this. <3
Thank you, really well said (as ever), and I appreciate the empathy and understanding. I would say that I am lonely (very) as well as alone but also that there aren't any simple solutions to that. I so relate though to the pervasive idea that the solution to struggling alone is to be more independent, when what we actually need is to be more interdependent, but we're neither set up by society to be that way, nor encouraged to do so.
That's the problem, isn't it? We can see what needs to change, but we cannot change it alone. Interconnectedness requires other people, so we're sad and scared about needing something we are not guaranteed to find.
It's like telling a hungry person to fast more instead of eating when they need to, because there isn't enough food.
Yes, so true!