That line still makes me cry and I have a family, albeit a tiny one. And I feel guilty for taking the more traditional, safe, cosy kind from the boys. (And also that three of their grandparents died - two before they were born/were tiny - and the one they have left is, let’s face it, rubbish.)
Anyway, you’re certainly one of my favourites. And on my list for any future Golden Girls living situation.
Oh, that line is a punch in the gut now, but it didn't used to be! Damn you, Nora. I really don't think you can take responsibility for grandparents dying, though...
Anyway, I'm v glad to be on your list (ditto, of course). xx
I never wanted children either, for many of the same reasons you describe. I'm happy with my choice but feel increasingly disconnected from a world that doesn't really know what to do with me.
It is strange, isn’t it? I always think it must be a bit easier if what you want from life lines up with what society dictates you should want, but I don’t know how that happens.
Oh Diana, I really enjoyed this piece. And you’re not the only one who felt very diffident about the role set out for women by society. I’m fortunate to have found a husband who was happy to take on more than his fair share when it came to domestic arrangements. There’s no way I’d have had kids if the onus had all been on me. It’s a shame we still live in a world where the choice still feels binary for so many women. I’m really glad I had kids, I absolutely love it, but a lot of it was really hard. I couldn’t have done it if it was my main role. I do look at some women — the ones who have to hold down everything — and I wonder why they did it (and why they continue to put up with it).
I’ve often thought it would be quite nice to have kids if I could be an 80s-style dad — and ofc the physical side of it for women is a whole other nightmare. But even when it works well, I still think it’s a shame if that’s the only way to feel part of a family, because so many people are excluded by the nuclear family model, and so many find it restricting.
It seems wrong to wish you a happy birthday somehow, because I know this must be such a tough one for you, but it also seems wrong not to, so, first of all: happy birthday!
Second of all, I think the fear of loneliness probably motivates a lot of people to have kids... Not saying it's a GOOD reason to do it, obviously, because it really isn't, but it was definitely a factor for me. (And, yes, I'm also convinced people must be lying when they claim to love domesticity!)
Thanks Amber! I feel like there should be some kind of felicitation for sad and grieving people that means “I know you feel crap but I wish you whatever happiness is possible,” but that’s a bit too long-winded…
And I’m glad to hear you don’t love domesticity either, especially as your house always looks so tidy!
Happy belated birthday. I’m ever grateful to Keris who is how I landed here.
Thoughts on family: Family is complex. Kids are complex. Looking in from the outside can feel hard and the irony is that the Beckhams probably had a big yell at each other before the photo shoot and may very well have stormed off into their own rooms after.
I have some amazing family and some quite dodgy family-all a very long way away. Including my kids. You never know where life might take you, at least that’s what I’ve always felt. It’s not universal, that feeling.
Loss and grief are painful and I’m so sorry about your mum. Losing your tether is wild and scary. Sending you some rope, rubber mallet and a study peg 💙
Thank you so much, I need a sturdy mallet! And thank you for the birthday wishes — Keris is a very kind recommender, and an even better person. Yes, you may well be right about the Beckhams! But right now, I’d welcome someone to argue with too. A good friend keeps reminding me that circumstances and feelings change, so I’m allowing room for the fact that it could potentially be for the better (even if that’s hard to imagine right now).
I hope you have a gentle birthday - I've sent a donation, and would love to hear more about The New Normal Charity, as I've been intrigued by their offerings, but not taken the plunge.
Thank you so much - for the donation and for sharing that what I wrote resonated (although I realise it might be better if it didn't!)
I really can't recommend The New Normal enough. I'd recommend going along to a meeting to see what you think (the general Good Grief one is a good place to start). You don't need to have your camera on or even to speak, you do need to introduce yourself but you can type it in the chat, and apart from that, you can just listen, or contribute if you'd like. We laugh, we cry, we're each other's little grief family, it's lovely.
“I spy a family.”
That line still makes me cry and I have a family, albeit a tiny one. And I feel guilty for taking the more traditional, safe, cosy kind from the boys. (And also that three of their grandparents died - two before they were born/were tiny - and the one they have left is, let’s face it, rubbish.)
Anyway, you’re certainly one of my favourites. And on my list for any future Golden Girls living situation.
Oh, that line is a punch in the gut now, but it didn't used to be! Damn you, Nora. I really don't think you can take responsibility for grandparents dying, though...
Anyway, I'm v glad to be on your list (ditto, of course). xx
Donation sent. Happy birthday!
I never wanted children either, for many of the same reasons you describe. I'm happy with my choice but feel increasingly disconnected from a world that doesn't really know what to do with me.
Oh, you’re very kind, thank you! 🙏
It is strange, isn’t it? I always think it must be a bit easier if what you want from life lines up with what society dictates you should want, but I don’t know how that happens.
Beautifully written.
Thank you! That’s very kind.
Oh Diana, I really enjoyed this piece. And you’re not the only one who felt very diffident about the role set out for women by society. I’m fortunate to have found a husband who was happy to take on more than his fair share when it came to domestic arrangements. There’s no way I’d have had kids if the onus had all been on me. It’s a shame we still live in a world where the choice still feels binary for so many women. I’m really glad I had kids, I absolutely love it, but a lot of it was really hard. I couldn’t have done it if it was my main role. I do look at some women — the ones who have to hold down everything — and I wonder why they did it (and why they continue to put up with it).
I’ve often thought it would be quite nice to have kids if I could be an 80s-style dad — and ofc the physical side of it for women is a whole other nightmare. But even when it works well, I still think it’s a shame if that’s the only way to feel part of a family, because so many people are excluded by the nuclear family model, and so many find it restricting.
It seems wrong to wish you a happy birthday somehow, because I know this must be such a tough one for you, but it also seems wrong not to, so, first of all: happy birthday!
Second of all, I think the fear of loneliness probably motivates a lot of people to have kids... Not saying it's a GOOD reason to do it, obviously, because it really isn't, but it was definitely a factor for me. (And, yes, I'm also convinced people must be lying when they claim to love domesticity!)
Thanks Amber! I feel like there should be some kind of felicitation for sad and grieving people that means “I know you feel crap but I wish you whatever happiness is possible,” but that’s a bit too long-winded…
And I’m glad to hear you don’t love domesticity either, especially as your house always looks so tidy!
Hello Diane
Happy belated birthday. I’m ever grateful to Keris who is how I landed here.
Thoughts on family: Family is complex. Kids are complex. Looking in from the outside can feel hard and the irony is that the Beckhams probably had a big yell at each other before the photo shoot and may very well have stormed off into their own rooms after.
I have some amazing family and some quite dodgy family-all a very long way away. Including my kids. You never know where life might take you, at least that’s what I’ve always felt. It’s not universal, that feeling.
Loss and grief are painful and I’m so sorry about your mum. Losing your tether is wild and scary. Sending you some rope, rubber mallet and a study peg 💙
Thank you so much, I need a sturdy mallet! And thank you for the birthday wishes — Keris is a very kind recommender, and an even better person. Yes, you may well be right about the Beckhams! But right now, I’d welcome someone to argue with too. A good friend keeps reminding me that circumstances and feelings change, so I’m allowing room for the fact that it could potentially be for the better (even if that’s hard to imagine right now).
It’s great to meet those feelings that pop up. Feel them. Name them. Let them go… sounds like you’re doing all the good work 💖
Hi Diane.
Waiting to feel braver really resonates with me.
I hope you have a gentle birthday - I've sent a donation, and would love to hear more about The New Normal Charity, as I've been intrigued by their offerings, but not taken the plunge.
Take care,
Casey
Thank you so much - for the donation and for sharing that what I wrote resonated (although I realise it might be better if it didn't!)
I really can't recommend The New Normal enough. I'd recommend going along to a meeting to see what you think (the general Good Grief one is a good place to start). You don't need to have your camera on or even to speak, you do need to introduce yourself but you can type it in the chat, and apart from that, you can just listen, or contribute if you'd like. We laugh, we cry, we're each other's little grief family, it's lovely.
You're definitely not the only one unappealed to by B and Q trips and snotty kids!
Sorry things are hard.
Thank you. There has to be someone out there who likes B&Q...